Men Lie, Women Lie, Panties Don’t.

10 Signs She’s Planning On Sleeping With You Tonight.

I know, I know. I don’t call, I don’t write, I’m never around. I’m always neglecting you guys. For some reason I never post when I’m in love. My creative expression seems to always be stifled by my vaginal expression. Those two really need to learn how to get along someday. But thankfully for y’all my WordPress account always seems to last longer than my relationships so let’s get down to business.

Ahhh, the good ol’ world of dating.

After getting thrown back into it recently I noticed it’s really like riding a bicycle, isn’t it? No, I don’t mean you never forget how. That’s trite. Give me some credit – I’m single, not lame. What I mean is, you have to ride a bunch to find one that doesn’t hurt your crotch.

Ayoooo! And, she’s back.

Seriously though. While my self-deprecation might have you believe I’m mad about it, I actually do enjoy being single once I’m here. I’m the type of person who would meet someone new every day if the opportunity presented itself without making me look like a giant creep. My curiosity fuels my extroversion and being single is a great way to feed that. But what happens when you meet someone you actually like? After the flirting, the texts, the giggles and the late-night phone calls?

Don’t think so hard, this isn’t a rhetorical question here. You bang. The answer is you bang.

I would hope by now most of you men know that when you’re dating a woman for a while and finally get some, it is by no deed of your own. You didn’t wear the right outfit. You didn’t choose the right cologne. Honey, she knew she was going to sleep with you tonight before you even asked her out. Sure, once in a while we have a few too many drinks and end up sleeping with you before we actually mean to. But 9 out of 10 times we’ve planned it days, sometimes weeks, in advance. Our girlfriends know we’re going to get naked with you before you do. In fact, next time you’re having sex with a woman for the first time, pause for a moment to think about the fact that at least 2 or 3 women you haven’t even met know what you’re doing. And they’re going to hear about your performance as soon as you’re done. No pressure though.

Some of you cockier men are probably thinking right about now, “Nah, you’re wrong. Maybe for other dudes but my style and well-groomed beard and use of the proper ‘you’re’ and ‘your’ got me the cookie.”

Ok stupid, whatever helps you sleep at night. But next time you get some first-time sex from a woman you’re dating, look out for these signs and email me and let me know when you recognize a few, wouldya?

  1. The Matching Bra & Panty Combo

This one is obvious but I couldn’t leave it off the list. I can’t speak for all women – just normal ones – but rarely do I ever buy matching bra and panty sets. I have 4837 pairs of underwear and maybe 10 bras. The bra staples include 1 or 2 black bras, 1 or 2 white bras, maybe a nude bra, a strapless bra and 1 or 2 lacy, sexy [enter the colour you think is sexiest on you here] bras. Leave room for a handful of random coloured bras you bought because they were on sale or you were bored and happened to walk into La Senza or Victoria’s Secret. Those lacy bras, those ones most likely have a matching panty. Or if you’re like me, you make sure you have a bunch of black panties that you can mix and match with your black bras (those are for second-tier guys – you want to match and be cute but you’re not trying to impress them). Fellas, if her bra and panty sort of match the first time she undresses in front of you – #ShePlannedIt. If her bra and panty are a perfect match – same colour, same pattern – #ShePlannedIt and she really likes you. Don’t mess this up.

matching bra and panty sets

If you see something like this, she really likes you.

  1. She Shaved Her Legs

This one is definitely seasonal as during those warmer months a woman’s legs are usually always shaved. But if it’s pants weather outside and you get down to business and her legs are silky smooth – #ShePlannedIt. Trust me. If you ever sleep with a woman and her legs aren’t shaved, not only did she have no intentions of sleeping with you that night, but she probably didn’t shave her legs on purpose to prevent herself from sleeping with you. Been there. Done that. If you get that hairy leg sex, props to you homie. This is one of the rare times it very well could have been your outfit or the cologne.

But most likely it was the tequila.

shaving-foam-legs

Yep. She’s definitely having sex tonight.

  1. She’s Freshly Waxed. Above Her Legs.

This one is not seasonal my friends. Pubes are a pain in the ass, aren’t they? Not only do they require constant upkeep, but everyone has a personal preference. At the end of the day, you just gotta go with what you feel most comfortable with and hope you find your pubic match, ya feel me? (Hmm. I just got an idea for a dating site…) Whether your girl shaves or waxes, if you notice it’s fresh the first time you sleep with her, #ShePlannedIt. This one actually requires more planning than you think. To get it smooth, she may have had to wait a few days to shave and sometimes weeks to get that perfect wax. So fellas, you’re special if you catch a glimpse right after she got her [pubic] hurr did. She probably planned it around your date.

There is a catch though. If she books her appointment after you make plans, she likes you. Sometimes though, a girl just doesn’t want to waste that perfect wax. If she had the appointment first, she may just be showing off a job well done. Sorry kid. You just ain’t the one. Lucky for you you’ll never know the difference.

Pubic

Oh, she planned it.

  1. She Cleaned Her Apartment

This is one of the few that may not be a sure sign, so don’t write me an angry letter if you didn’t get any in a clean apartment. Some of us crazy Italians just clean the entire apartment because the cable guy is coming. Most people will do a quick clean up at minimum if they have company of any sort coming by. If however the place looks spotless, she definitely planned on having you come up. Don’t reach for those condoms yet though. This is just a sign she’s going to let you into the ballpark, it doesn’t mean you’re getting to home base just yet. But a spotless apartment can often mean #ShePlannedIt. Just be on your best behaviour because whatever “it” ends up actually being may depend on it. Godspeed.

spring-cleaning-tips-tricks-kitchen1

“I’m even going to clean the counter in case we get wild!”

  1. She Cleaned Her Room

Like the clean apartment, this could simply mean she wanted to be comfortable and away from a loud bar or movie theatre and likes a tidy home. The spotless room though is much more likely to be a clue. Unless she’s just avoiding a roommate – or parents depending on how much of a pedo you are – going to her room in itself is probably a good sign. Now a clean room may just be that – a clean room. But if she got that bitch looking like it came out of a catalogue with scented candles, mood lighting, crisp sheets and deliberately placed throw pillows – #ShePlannedIt. Even if she’s one of those weirdoes who insists on making her bed every morning, (if I don’t do it it’s weird, okay?) nobody has a room that perfect that doesn’t expect to be sharing it with someone for a little while. Just make sure to check if those candles have been used before. If they have, she a ho!

(That was a joke, stop crying in the corner and go get it.)

romantic-bedroom-lighting-ideas-13

“Oh, this? This is how my room always looks.”

  1. She’s Constantly Checking Her Watch

Unless she wants to be home in time to watch a TV show (which by the way, is probably a bad sign), this girl has a plan and she intends for it to go exactly how it’s supposed to. Dinner at 7, drinks at 9, sex at 11. She will be making sure the conversation doesn’t go too long and the drinks go down fast. As far as she knows, there’s still a chance you may not be a minute-man so she wants to make sure she’s horizontal by a decent hour so that she’s not up until 4 am and has to write the next day off. If she was checking the time more than she ever has before, especially if it’s a weeknight, #ShePlannedIt. If you know you are indeed a minute-man, you may want to try and drag the date out a bit. The less time she has after the sex to tell all her friends, the better. Although you’re really just delaying it a few hours anyway.

watch

“Hmm. 5 minutes for parking, carry the one… I should be naked in 87 minutes.”

  1. She Cares More or Less Than Usual About What You Guys Have Planned

If she seems to be more or less concerned than usual about what you guys are going to do when you see each other, it’s likely that she’s got her own plans for the night whether you’re aware of them or not. If she cares more, it’s because she wants the night to be perfect. No, she didn’t want to come by and watch you and your friends smoke and play video games even though she did it twice last week. If she wanted a nice dinner and for you to wear that blue sweater she likes, #ShePlannedIt. If she seems less interested in the details than usual, it’s because she doesn’t care what happens beforehand she’s just looking forward to finally seeing if you were worth the wait. If you wanted to watch football for 4 hours at your place and she was cool with that… #ShePlannedIt.

WomanSportsFan-thumb-500xauto-110

“I don’t care who wins as long as I score!”

  1. She’s Making More Sexual Jokes/References Than She Usually Does

When sex is on the mind, sex is on the mind. For women in their 30s, and men in their 1-100s, sex may very well always be on the mind. If, however, sex also starts being in the texts, the emails, the phone calls and the tweets, it’s probably also going to soon be in the bedroom. If you notice her making way more sexual references than usual, guess what? #ShePlannedIt.

woman-flirting-on-facebook

“I can’t believe I just sent that text…”

  1. She’s Drinking More/Faster Than Usual

Sometimes drunk sex is more fun. Sometimes having a little buzz gets rid of those first time nerves. Sometimes she’s just an alcoholic. Whatever the reason, many women (and men) enjoy having a few drinks before they have a few orgasms. The only time I’ve ever gotten drunk in a movie theatre happened because I had planned to sleep with the guy I was seeing that night (if you’re reading this, hiiiiiii). It doesn’t matter that we were going to see Anchorman 2. Nor did it matter that it most definitely was not a late show. No. All that mattered was that I was going to have sex with him that evening and I preferred to be drunk. So me, him, and a bottle of Bacardi Gold enjoyed a nice movie together that night before we went back to my place for the encore. If homegirl is drinking more or faster than she has before, trust me, #ShePlannedIt.

woman drinking

“It’s Tuesday! Let’s celebrate!”

 1.She Sent You an Outlook Invite with the Subject “Meet Me For Some Sex.”

Ok, if this ever happens you probably won’t need me to translate it for you. If it does, she’s a keeper. But to be honest, I just put this here to fill out the list because a list of 9 is never as good as a list of 10, #amirite?

Shut up.

datenight

Do I have to spell this one out?

 

Advertisements

About napsgetbraps

I love naps. And providing the world with my social commentary when I'm awake.
This entry was posted in Dating and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Men Lie, Women Lie, Panties Don’t.

  1. highway401film says:

    You should begin your blog with a warning like the ones they play before an R rated movie. Your opinions will probably get you lynched in some bible belt states but since I am from Toronto, I appreciate a smart mouthed opinionated lady. You are very charming and direct. I liked your blog so much that I wouldn’t care if you had a tropical rainforest between your legs. I will give you some Chia pet seeds and help you grow it. Hell, I will take you to la senza and buy you 4000 bras to match your panties. Hell, I will even face time your friends while I am penetrating you so you don’t need to give them the post game highlights. Keep up the funny work

    • napsgetbraps says:

      Erm. This started off weird, then was nice, then ended very, very awkwardly. Thanks for the middle part of this comment.

      • highway401film says:

        Lol. I was trying to be compliment your Hank Moody prose with my Hal Ashby wit. I re-read it and realized I am more like Runkle. Sorry for the messages. I am a fuck up lol. Hope Salon picks you up.

      • napsgetbraps says:

        Lol, thanks for explaining. Creeper status put on hold. For now.

      • highway401film says:

        Ha ha thank you. I am a screenwriter so as much as you try to wash the creepy off of me, I am still going to carry that stench lol.

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s