Now that I’ve been @vee_block for a while – 41 weeks to be exact – I have grown to love and loathe the many faces of Instagram (pun intended).
This right hurr is a comprehensive Guide to Douchery, one that will make sense to anyone who’s been on Instagram for more than 5 minutes, which should be anyone who is reading my blog here on the worldwideinternetz. If you don’t have Instagram yet, you probably fall into one of these categories:
- You have a Blackberry.
- You’re 90.
- You’re scared of technology (those first three are probably more related than you’d like to admit).
- You’re running from the law (although in that case your IG is probably just private).
- You’re part of a dying breed that enjoys ‘privacy’ (I can barely type that word without being confused).
For anyone who lives under a proverbial rock, Instagram is a photo-sharing app that is part Facebook (sharing photos, being able to ‘like’ posts) and part Twitter (the use of @names, following other users and #hashtags). In short, it’s another tool preventing me from ever picking a book up again.
So let’s just jump right in, shall we? These, my friends, are the 12 types of people you probably follow on Instagram:
*Please note, to keep this post from being as many pages as the Holy Book, I’ve left out the expected and usual suspects like The Food or Pet Poster, The New Mom, The Promoter, The DJ, The Celebrity and The Drama Queen.
#1 – The Narcissist
While we can all admit to moments of narcissism, there are some people that are their own #1 fan. In real life, these people usually don’t have many friends. Nobody wants to chill with that asshole that never stops talking about himself. In the world of Instagram though, these people somehow get a pass, probably because we don’t have to listen to them so much as ogle them into the wee hours of the night. As long as they look good, people are going to continue liking their posts. “Ooh, she’s wearing a blue hat now! Looks even better than the red one she was wearing 2 hours ago!” The Narcissist feeds off ‘likes’ and the more they get, the more bathroom mirror shots you’re going to see. It’s one of those problems that you know you’re partially to blame for but you just can’t help it, she really does look good in those jeans. *taps heart*
Tip: Be selective when liking The Narcissist’s posts. Forget ‘less is more.’ In this case less prevents more.
#2 – The Stripper
Although The Stripper shares many qualities with The Narcissist, the difference here is that clothes are optional on this account. While Twitter has made celebrities lose some of their appeal, Instagram has created an adverse effect by making thousands of nobodies instant celebrities. IG is the only place in the world, besides strip clubs and the dreams of prepubescent boys, where strippers are idolized. While few people would openly admit to following The Stripper on Instagram, I will say that while I don’t follow any myself, I’m glad a lot of my friends do. The Stripper gives me something to look at in those rare moments where I want to judge, feel good about myself and feel bad about myself all at once.
Tip: Never ‘like’ The Stripper’s posts, if only because it will show up in your followers’ newsfeeds. Scrolling through all those pictures of ass and titties should be a secret that remains between you and your inner voyeur.
#3 – The Most Boring Man (or Woman) In The World (MBMW)
MBMW is Jonathan Goldsmith’s adversary. While The Stripper is someone you go out of your way to cyber creep, you would block MBMW’s posts if you knew a way to do it without offending them by unfollowing. The Stripper is someone who posts things you would never admit that you want to see while MBMW posts things that nobody gives a shit about. His or her posts are so mundane you think to yourself with every post “WHY would this person think that ANYONE cares about this?” Oh, you drank an apple juice for lunch? Call the press. Sure, if that bottle of apple juice had a story behind it things might be different. Maybe it’s from some remote part of the world where the apples are super-fantastically-grown in some way we’ve never heard of. In that case, cool, post a picture of your apple juice. Otherwise, do something interesting with your life or GTFOI.
Tip: Unfollow. Now.
#4 – The Noob
The Noob doesn’t mean to annoy or offend anyone, they just don’t know what they’re doing yet. Every single one of us has been The Noob at one point or another but just like IRL, some of us progress faster than others. The Noob is actually really interesting to watch, like those nature shows about jungle life on The Discovery Channel.
*Narration in a whisper*
The Noob is about to post his first picture. Shh, don’t scare him away. Here it comes. Ok, it’s a picture of his dog. Let’s take a closer look now. It looks like The Noob is attempting to use a hashtag. Here it comes… wait for it… “#dog.” Nice.
Tip: Just sit back and enjoy.
# 5 – The Person Who Just Doesn’t Get It
This person is probably in the ‘doesn’t get it’ category no matter the social medium. Facebook, Instagram, emoticons in text messages – they just can’t keep up. Not to be confused with The Noob, this person has had an IG account for a while but she still just doesn’t ‘get it.’ She’s figured out the basics; how to ‘like’ a picture, how to post her own pictures, even how to comment on pictures. She uses hashtags but doesn’t really understand why and she leaves comments but don’t understand why everyone keeps using her name when they respond. The Noob is like your cousin whose parents were wayyyyy more strict than yours – nice, but just not ‘in the know,’ you know?
Tip: Nicely fill her in on everything she missed while knitting hats with her mom. Like her teenage years. Keep it PG, though. You don’t want her mom telling your mom you’re corrupting her with your suggestions to secretly creep The Stripper.
# 6 – The Reposter
This person probably hasn’t had an original thought since… ever. They’re too busy trying to be the first person to know about everything (ironic, isn’t it?) They spend more time on Instagram (and the Internet) than anyone else on this list and while they consider it being “current,” most of us assume it’s because they don’t have any friends IRL. Or a RL, period. You check their profiles out when you feel like laughing at memes, jokes with cultural references, funny ecards or emo quotes pulled from some 14-year-old girl’s Tumblr. They do have some of the most interesting posts and they’ll probably post things days before anyone else you know does but sometimes you just want them to post a picture of a mediocre meal or something so you know it’s not a robot’s account.
Tip: Repost their pictures every once in a while so people think you’re the one in the know. That way, you get to have a life and you’re the first one to post those Maury memes in circles with no Reposter.
# 7 – The Over #Hashtagger (OH) / The Anti #Hashtagger (AH)
These people are both extremists. They either use 400 hashtags every time they post a picture or for some strange reason are totally against them (Lippo, I’m looking at you here). The OH is like the person you can’t go drinking with because they never know their limit. They drink and drink and drink until you have to pay a cabbie an extra $50 on top of the fare just to let them into his cab. These people make the people who like to use a hashtag or 5 look bad. The AH, however, feel that using hashtags somehow makes them seem like sheep, or desperate for ‘likes’ or maybe even starving for attention. I don’t really know the reason that they are so scared to add a little hashtag love into their lives so I can only assume, but the funniest part is that most of them are perfectly fine using hashtags on Twitter. #Hypocrites
Tip: For the OH you know, just comment on every picture with #bitchdontkillmyhashvibe
For the AH in your life, comment on all their pictures using hashtags just to piss them off. #Hey #this #is #a #really #nice #picture #of #your #new #car. #Let #me #know #when #youre #taking #me #for #a #ride.
# 8 – The Creeper
The Creeper follows a bunch of people and even has [hopeful] followers but has 0 pictures posted.
Tip: Unfollow. Or break into their account and post a bunch of pictures of Asian girls in school uniforms.
# 9 – The iPhotographer
This person is convinced that he was a photographer in a past life. Granted, some of his pics are really cool and your Android doesn’t seem to have filters that do that thing he did in that one picture of the streetlight during that snowstorm at sunset, but there’s only so many close-ups of colourful, texturized shit or leaves with water droplets you can take. If I want my timeline to be filled with pseudo-photography I’ll follow TMZ.
Tip: Write #CoolPictureBro on every picture they take until they do you the favour of blocking you.
# 10 – The Expert
This person may (or may not) be an expert in whatever area they may (or may not) excel in like fitness, cooking, interior design, photography, or even getting dressed every morning (seriously, we don’t give a fuck what you wore to work today unless it included a cape or muumuu). Even if they have reached #ExpertStatus, too much of anything gets boring. If they’re one of the 489,398,283 people that are suddenly fitness gurus, 49 pictures a day of their weights, protein shakes, or beads of sweat are just unnecessary. We get it. You work out. You’re all about that #GymLife. How about you post a list of your workouts, or maybe a recipe for the shake you take a picture of 4 times a day? You know, something… useful? Posting the same picture of you sitting on an exercise ball in front of a mirror at the gym isn’t going to interest many people for long.
Tip: If you follow them, you’re probably interested in their field of [self-proclaimed] expertise. When things get repetitive, just ask them for something you want to see. If they don’t oblige, follow one of the 8000 people who will.
# 11 – The Tweeter
This person, in my opinion, is the most annoying of all the people on this list. These are the people who use apps like TextGram to write messages and then post those in lieu of actual photographs. On Instagram. A photo-sharing app. HEY FUCKERS, TAKE THAT SHIT TO TWITTER. 99% of the time these messages make me want to bang my head against a table. Not only do I NOT sign in to Instagram to read your semi-retarded attempts at thoughts, but your messages are usually as redundant as your lives. “What should I eat for dinner tonight?” “All you bitches complaining about thirsty dudes are the ones who post naked pictures of yourselves” (which is a true statement, but ironically the guys who always bash these women are the same ones always jerking off to their pics via the like button). GTFOHWTBS. Prick.
Tip: Post a picture or die please.
# 12 – The Walking Erections
This final lame isn’t annoying for what he’s posting like the other ones, but what he’s looking at. The Walking Erections are the guys (and occasionally girls… Rochelle) who show up in your feed 8 times a day liking 8 pictures at a time consisting of 16 tits and 16 ass cheeks. These guys only follow The Narcissists and The Strippers and most of my cyber creeping is due to their constant erections and thirst. I don’t think I would have ever stumbled upon The Stripper at all if it weren’t for these people.
Tip: Keep them around to point you in the direction of the nastiest Strippers and IG hoes. So you know how to stay away, I mean…