I’ll sleep with you… but only if I can’t stand you.

There is one habit that a lot of women are guilty of that boggles the minds of men everywhere (as if that takes much). I’ve tried explaining it to my male friends on many, many occasions and none of them have ever responded with, “I totally see where you’re coming from. Makes complete sense.” In fact, their reaction is usually “that is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. I hope you’re the only retard who does that.”

The habit I’m speaking of is the one that forces us to wait much longer before sleeping with men we actually like than those we know we have no future with.

Yes. That’s what I said. I will sleep with some idiot I want to throw gasoline on and shoot close-range with a rifle after a few dates sooner than I’ll sleep with a guy I can see myself committing to. Oops. I didn’t mean “I” as in myself.  I was speaking for other women, because of course I’m still a virgin (hi mom!).

Now some women claim this is because they think if they sleep with a guy too soon he’ll think they’re easy, respect them less, never want anything more serious with them and blah blah blah. That’s bullshit. Women tell themselves that because they don’t want to admit the real reason they wait to sleep with guys they like; because they want to hide the Crazy for as long as they can.

Yes, I capitalized Crazy on purpose. Because the Crazy is an entity all on it’s own. You can’t control the Crazy, the Crazy controls you. The Crazy can usually be tamed for the first few weeks when you meet someone. You know, when everyone is still trying to play it cool. When he still listens to your stories and you still shave your legs before every date. But the Crazy gets full control once the girl gives up the goods. It’s like the Crazy awakens from slumber as soon as those panties hit the floor.

Hmm. Is that the sound of first-time sex I hear? *Stretch* *Crack knuckles* Let’s do dis.

The Crazy heightens all the already-slightly-crazy thoughts you have when you’re in that early dating stage and you’re unsure of what he’s thinking. Why hasn’t he called me today? I wonder what he’s doing. I wonder if he’s dating anyone else? Is he sleeping with anyone? Hmmm. Does he have any lingering exes? Who’s that skank in the bikini who posted ‘hey babe! <3’ on his Facebook wall?

Then you get naked.

Now you’re wondering what he thought when he saw you naked for the first time. He hasn’t text me all day. Did he think I was fat? Did he see my cellulite and lose interest? Omg. Should I not have asked him to pull my hair the first time? Great. Now he thinks I’m a slut. Did I snore afterwards? And in the worst-case scenario, the Crazy can even manifest itself like this.

ZOMGSOMANYQUESTIONSINEEDANSWERSTOWHYISHEBEINGSOALOOF.

And that’s when the Crazy wins. Because now you’re starting to feel insecure. And insecurity on a woman to a man is like Citronella to a mosquito. That shit ain’t a secret and it ain’t attractive. And then, when things go awry, who does the girl think is to blame? Surely it wasn’t the fact that she went crazy. Nope. It’s the sex. The sex is to blame. Dirty, dirty sex. You knew you shouldn’t have had sex with him after 4.5 dates! Never again!

Now, does this happen with all women? No. But insecurity (and estrogen) is a helluva drug. I can only speak from personal experience, so I’ll admit it – the Crazy and I go way back like Skip-Its and Today’s Special. But does this habit always win over logic? No. I “know someone” who met a guy at System Soundbar, slept with him on the first or second date, and ended up in a relationship with him for almost a year. But that was when I, I mean she, was much younger. And less jaded.  Now a guy is lucky if she gives it up before he buys the ring.

The moral of this story is… BITCHES BE CRAZY.

bitches be crazy

WHY HASN’T HE CALLED?

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About napsgetbraps

I love naps. And providing the world with my social commentary when I'm awake.
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One Response to I’ll sleep with you… but only if I can’t stand you.

  1. Pam says:

    You forgot to add: it’s best to sleep with the dumb-good-looking-ones immediately….as the dumbness has it’s way of turning the “taps” off too quick….and that’s why the dumb-good-looking-ones get laid on the regular – but never really have a girl around otherwise. Those girls hadn’t had the Crazy set in – it’s actually the SexyBitch entity that gets the goods and runs….LOL.

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