I love Facebook.
Yeah. That’s right. I can publicly admit that I LOVE FACEBOOK. Print that shit on a t-shirt and I’ll wear it to a Wu-Tang concert and not give a fuck, sonnnnn. I don’t care that your grandmother uses Facebook. I still love it. I love everything about it. I love that I can post pictures, music videos, articles, “Like” things, comment on things, tell everyone what I think of a movie I watched on Netflix and, most importantly, tell everyone on my friends list what I think about EVERYTHING. I like that I can tell a stranger off when their opinion is different than mine. Or just because I’m bored. As the narcissist that I am, Facebook has allowed me to do what I’ve always done but on a much larger scale, which is constantly prove how awesome I am and how much more valid my opinions are than everyone else’s. As much as everyone loves to downplay their usage or dependence on it, let’s face it, Facebook has changed our daily lives.
Now as much as I love Facebook, I am quite particular about who I have on my friends list. Because I share almost every detail of my life on my page, I am a bit wary of which requests I accept. Basically I won’t add anyone that I don’t personally know, unless they are a DJ/Promoter/Someone in Toronto that I add to be able to keep up with their events/mixtapes/whatever. The only way I break this rule is if you are a hot, hot, single male or a dude from POF (my friends and I call them Poffers) and I want to know if the 3 pictures you had on your POF profile are the only 3 that hide the fact that you are a troll. Even then, I will usually accept your request but if you aren’t sayin anythin, you’re deleted within a week, tops.
As for the people who actually get access to my Timeline, you’re still not safe. I do major clean-ups every 6 months or so. There are actually people who have been deleted every clean-up but add me again when they notice. I am always baffled by these people. It’s frickin’ weird, bruh. It’s like we’re playing a sick game or something. Break-ups to make-ups type shit, yo. Trust me, if I notice somehow you deleted me from your Facebook for no reason I can think of, you’re not only never getting re-added, but I’ve probably already started a blog post about what a skank you are. I guess some people don’t have an ego like mine.
Now besides the people I actually like and the people I just re-add because I feel like if I don’t they’re going to make a dress out of my skin, there is one more group of people who will probably remain on my friends list indefinitely – the people I can’t delete. Whether it’s because I’m a sap who doesn’t want to offend some people (I know, ME not wanting to offend someone is weird, right?), or that I secretly have a crush on you and want to creep you (amongst other things), there is something preventing my fingers from clicking that ‘Unfriend’ option. This is a very mixed group of people and the reasons I can’t delete them vary, but I will try to break them down for you.
The Family Member
This should be an obvious one. We’ve all gone through this; a random aunt or third cousin, twice removed adds you to Facebook and you think to yourself, “There is no way I’m letting this broad see what I really get into after Christmas dinner.” But you can’t decline them. They’re family. So you ignore the request for a little while. Hey, maybe you don’t go on Facebook every 4 minutes and you actually only sign in, like, once a month. Maybe she sent the request the day after your monthly check-in. Right. Then you realize that no one will believe that when you change your profile picture after every meal. Dammit.
And there you have it. For as long as you have Facebook you now have to let this person who you have only met twice at family weddings have access to your daily shenanigans. Your 4 a.m. drunken status updates. Your third cousin, twice removed will now know just how much you love greasy pizza and hate bouncers on a power trip. You will now hear a snicker when someone offers you a drink at a family function and you reply with, “No, thanks. I don’t really drink.”
The Person From Work Who Doesn’t Respect Boundaries
I actually work with someone who adds every single person in the company to Facebook. I’m serious. I find it creepy as hell, but what can you do? You can’t decline them. How would you be able to face them every day? You just have to accept and hope for the best. Hope that you can remember they are on your friends list when you have the urge to write “I FUCKING HATE EVERYONE I WORK WITH!!!! FML!!!!” as your status on Monday mornings. Hope that you remember they’ve got access to your page when you post pictures of your secret hiding spot behind the vacant desk where you go to nap sometimes. Oh, you’ve never actually had an actual conversation with this person? Too bad. They’ve now seen pictures from that birthday where you could barely see by the end of the night. You may understand that work and your personal life need to be separated (unless of course it’s someone you would actually chill with after 5 p.m.), but they don’t understand that. So now you’re fucked.
The People You Grew Apart From But Don’t Actually Hate
When I first joined Facebook I had everyone on my shit. Elementary school people, high school folks, people I’ve worked with at every job, everyone. For the first few weeks it was exciting to see all these faces that you literally hadn’t seen or thought about for more than a decade. You saw who got married, who had kids, who got nose jobs, who got fat, who got hot. But then after you start to see their updates and pictures for a little while, you realize that there was a reason you hadn’t kept in touch with these people. Because you fucking can’t stand them.
Delete. Delete. De-fucking-lete.
But there are some of them you just can’t bring yourself to delete. For me, it’s because I don’t want to offend them, regardless of whether or not they actually give two shits about me or Facebook. These are people I still respect. People I have shared moments of my life with. People I am glad I knew at some point, even if they are people that I would have no interest in knowing if I met them today.
The thought of them one day realizing that at some point, unbeknownst to them, I decided I could no longer be burdened by the possibility of seeing their face on my computer screen anymore and deleted them makes me feel bad. And I don’t like to feel bad. So these people that I haven’t seen for years, in some cases for more than half the years I’ve been alive, will forever remain on my Facebook because of some imaginary reaction I’ve decided they may have if they ever noticed that one of their 250 friends deleted them. Who’s crazy?
The People You Love To Hate
This is the group I’m actually ashamed to admit exists. These are the people that I don’t delete because occasionally taking glimpses into their lives makes me feel better about my own. Or because their page is [unintentionally] hilarious. They are people that I probably can’t stand but at some point we became “Facebook pals” and now I use them as a reminder of how much worse things could be. Don’t misunderstand; they’re not people with terminal illnesses or 5 kids they can’t feed. They’re people who take self-portraits every 3 hours. They are people who actually think duckface is a ‘cute puckered sexy lips’ pose. They are people who wRiTe liK diZ but constantly post statuses from atop a soapbox. And most importantly, they are people who are probably reading this right now and have no idea I am talking about them.
The Person Who Just Doesn’t Get It
There is always that person who thinks being friends on a social networking site means something, anything, in the real world. They’re probably the same people who think friends can live together, too.
These people stay on my Facebook simply out of pity. I know that sounds horrible but I don’t know any other way to put it. They are people who aren’t ‘with it’ enough to ‘get it’ but at some point they’ve come into your life and you don’t know how to get rid of them without being way more harsh than they deserve. They don’t necessarily bother you. They’re more like a ticking clock, usually going unnoticed until you’re in an irritable mood or just looking for something to complain about. Then they become unbearable. But you can’t fault a clock for ticking, and you can’t fault these people for being a few cards short of a deck.
They may be naive, or innocent, or maybe they just can’t keep up. They try, though. They really do. And for that you have to give ‘em credit. I guess.
Thankfully Facebook has come up with two tools that can help you deal with all of these people:
Unsubscribe and Limited Profile. Thank GAWD.