Street Name: O.F.R.O. (Only Fools Rush Out)
Description: I am impatient. It’s one of my biggest flaws and something I struggle with constantly. I’m impatient when it comes to training my new puppy. I’m impatient while watching dumb families play ‘Fast Money’ on Family Feud. I’m impatient when my mother is trying to tell me a story that involves far too many details to be completed during anything less than a 6-hour phone call. I get flustered walking behind slow families of 18 who walk side-by-side in a mall, preventing anyone from getting through without Red Rover’ing it. I’m impatient in any situation involving me driving a vehicle if anyone else is on the road (if I ever buy a car, I’m also going to buy my own roads).
I’m not impatient when it comes to everyday routines and circumstances. Wait, that sentence is misleading. What I mean is, while being impatient is one of my worst flaws, logic is one of my best virtues. When they are head-to-head, logic usually wins. This means that in a situation like, let’s say, exiting a bus, I want to scream to everyone “HURRY THE EFF UP, YOU LAZY BASTARDS” but I realize that won’t get me off the bus any faster. Instead I sit and wait until the bus has emptied and then I calmly exit. Sure, I’ve lost 0.006 seconds of my life, but I don’t have a headache and I’m not being arrested for physically attacking anyone either. I do the same thing when boarding a flight. It is my #1 traveling pet peeve when I am traveling with people who want to get up and start lining up as soon as the plane begins to board. Why stand? The plane isn’t going anywhere without you. So while everyone is crowding around waiting for their row to be called so they can wait in line to wait in line to get on the plane and then wait in line still before they can actually sit down, I am the one sitting comfortably doing a crossword, waiting for the aforementioned waiters to be gone. Then I stroll onto that plane like I own it, bitch.
Crime: Whether breathing down your neck while you try to purchase tokens at a booth or making you wonder whether you’re on a date by their proximity to your rear when getting out of your seat, these people are a constant reminder of society’s obsession with needing to rush through life. They rush onto trains before people have exited. They run past you to grab one of the 30 available seats. They cut ahead of you in line. O.F.R.O.s live in a state of perpetual scurrying. I was once sitting next to a woman who was so eager to rush off the bus that she started standing (and trying to force me to do so also because she was on the inside seat) before the bus was even close to being at a full stop at the last stop. It was the LAST STOP. Everyone had to get off. But instead of waiting 2 seconds, she actually pushed my arm to get me up. I don’t think I would be able to reenact the glare I gave her if I tried, but I very bitchily said with it, “We’re ALL getting off here. Relax.” I may have also purposely let everyone behind us exit before I left my seat.
Punishment: The best punishment for these people is to force them to wait. Block their way. Tie your shoe in front of them. Drop something. Pretend to sleep. Fake a seizure. Do whatever you can to ensure they are forced to waste seconds of their precious time, which apparently is more important than everyone else’s.
Last Seen: Whenever you last forced them to wait. Otherwise, they’re too fast to be seen.