Based on the feedback I’ve gotten about my vampire diaries, it seems as though a lot of you find pleasure in my pain. This works out well because I’ve got dates-gone-wrong stories for days. But please let it be known you’re all still assholes.
So this dude – we’ll call him Pervy McPerverson – I actually met on PlentyOfFreaks. He was reallllllll cute. Yummy, even. He was from Scarborough (vomit) and knew my ex (projectile vomit), and yet I still gave him a go. It was sometime last year and Insidious had just come out. I really wanted to see it so I suggested that. Now let me explain something – I live for horror movies. I don’t just tell that to boys so I can grab their arms and jump into their laps when I’m scared (usually it’s the other way around, anyway). I actually want to watch a movie if I go to the movie theatre. I know, crazy right? Apparently Pervy McP didn’t understand that concept.
We’re about halfway through the movie and he starts staring at me. I’m still watching the movie but I can feel his dirty Scarborough eyes on me, just waiting for me to turn around so we can share that awkward moment and he can force his mouth onto mine. First of all, I’m a grown ass woman. I don’t need to make out with you in a movie theatre. I haven’t lived with my mom for almost a decade and I know it sounds crazy but if I wanted to make out with you on our first date I would have invited you to my place and, you know, made out with you. Second of all, how lame are you? If you’re 31 and still trying to force a kiss out of someone by making awkward eye contact, you may wanna think about stepping your game up. Do you yawn-stretch-one-two-combo to put your arms around a girl, too? I should have known at this point this guy probably still dated 17-year-old girls.
After a while, I can’t take it anymore. He’s starting to get on my nerves and he keeps interrupting the movie by trying to kiss me. I’m not sure what set me off but I finally turned to him and said as politely (rudely) as I could “Can you stop? I actually want to watch the movie.”
I swear to God, his face said he was going to get up and leave me there. I immediately began to imagine my next move; would I stay in the theatre and finish the movie alone? I mean, I’ve never gone to the movies alone but does it count when your date leaves you? Would I go to the front desk and tell them I just got ditched and hope they give me a free movie pass or two because they can’t understand how any sane man could possibly leave someone as sweet as me? Would I chase him out of the theater, cussing and emasculating him in a public display of rejection? Eventually I realize I am wasting my time daydreaming because he’s still sitting next to me.
The movie ends (it was pretty shit) and he drives me home. Now as annoying as he was, he was still hot. I decided if I hadn’t scared him out of trying to rape my face by now, I would allow him one goodnight kiss on my way out of his truck. As expected, he goes in for the kill. I oblige. Before I’ve even had time to decide how long I was going to kiss him, before my brain even has had time to register what his lips feel like or if I’m into it, before I could have even blinked if I was one of those weirdoes who keeps their eyes open, Pervy McP grabs my hand and PUTS. IT. ON. HIS. CROTCH.
You would have thought his crotch was on fire with the speed that I jumped back, shocked, confused and maybe even slightly offended. Now, I don’t get offended easily, but WHO DID THIS GUY THINK HE WAS? Dude, I wouldn’t even kiss you without deciding for myself whether or not I was into it, and you think I’m going to be persuaded to feel you up, or better yet, give you a handjob in front of my home, in your truck, on our first date, because you placed my hand on your lap? And not just that, it was like half a second after he kissed me. GTFOH. For real. I could only laugh (seems to be the way I react to everything) as I jumped out of his massive truck and slammed the door behind me.
He texts me 5 minutes later telling me he had a good time and couldn’t wait to see me again. The fuck? Was this guy on the same date I had been on? I told him he should stick to dating 17-year-olds who might fall for his pathetic game. I also informed him that if I had any desire to put my hand anywhere on him I would have done so myself (except it was said in a much angrier and more vulgar way). His response was that he was really sorry and was “just so attracted to me he couldn’t help it.” I spent the next week laughing at not only him, but the type of girl who would fall for a line like that.
My favourite part of this story actually happens days later when I’m telling my friends about it. It’s Wednesday night and we’re, of course, at Toby’s. DJ Law is playing and I’m telling a couple of people about my date with a rapist. I’m about 30 seconds from the moment his crotch enters the story and Law, with no idea what is being discussed 10 feet away from him, drops the song I’ve posted below.
This is my life.