Street Name: Oldy McOlderson
Description: Old. Old and bitter. These lovely beams of sunshine don’t behave very differently than the Pushers, but their behaviour doesn’t stem from the distrust of youth, so much as their disdain for them and their feelings of entitlement. I know this sounds evil. They’ve lived a long life and I can respect that. But lose the attitude, grampa!
Crime: Now, don’t get me wrong, I always offer my seat to the elderly. Always. Despite how badly I may want to pretend to sleep, my mother raised me with manners first and foremost, and I cannot watch an elderly person stand while I sit. However, don’t push ahead of me and don’t stare me down as you approach my seat, or I will pretend to sleep and remain seated… at least long enough until I can’t handle the guilt anymore. I understand that you have a very important day ahead of you, drinking free coffee refills at McDonald’s and watching people at the mall, but I need to get to work on time, you know, to help pay for your doctor appointments.
Punishment: While you could always steal their walkers or change purses, punishing a geriatric would not only make you evil, but that’s horrible karma. The only punishment I could suggest should you happen to run into one of these horribly miserable old farts is by confirming their assumptions that you’re a rapscallion by turning up the music in your iPod and forcing them to listen to you sing along to Ni##as in Paris. Maybe even 10 times in a row like they’re at a Watch The Throne concert. Now that’s punishment.
Last Seen: Any route that runs past a hospital, bingo hall or shopping mall.