Street Name: Baby moms
Description: I love kids. I really do. They’re cute, they make funny faces, and as long as they’re not crying or smelly I love being around them.
You know who I don’t love? Their moms. The women who choose to buy $800 Rick Ross-sized strollers, preventing anyone from getting on the bus after them. These women walk around with an attitude like no one before them has ever successfully given birth. Awesome. You got knocked up. Now can you get the eff out of my way, there are 49 empty seats behind you that I can’t get to without climbing over your baby’s abnormally large head.
Crime: Don’t get it twisted – I’m not against strollers. I’m sure most of these women would much rather be driving their big-headed babies around instead of getting on and off a bus. I just don’t understand why they don’t remember that strollers have wheels once they’re on the bus. MOVE. TO. THE. BACK. Don’t crowd the front. I’m really happy that you and your friend dropped out of grade 10 so you could be teen moms at the same time. I think it’s totally cool that you keep it real and take your kids to Dufferin Mall together, too. But could you possibly not park side-by-side in the first third of the bus so that the rest of us who chose to actually work for a living can sit down in between shifts? Thanks.
Punishment: While my suggestion would be to have a separate line of buses entirely for people with children (I also think we should have child-free airlines, restaurants, malls, etc.), I understand that this is not an option for a city that can barely afford to keep their current public transit system running smoothly for more than 4 minutes at a time. My friend Jermaine has a great idea that I am going to use as my platform when I run for mayor of this city (if Rob Ford can do it, anyone can). I don’t want to give it away, but let me just say this; you know those bike racks on the front of the buses? Yeah.
Last Seen: On any routes that can take you to a mall, a high school and a welfare office with the same transfer.